Mornings - Yes, they can be difficult

Mornings can be really difficult! I hear this from so many people. Getting kids out the door to get to school can be a really big challenge and they just don’t know how to spur their kids on to getting what needs to be done, completed in a timely manner so that they aren’t late for school. There can be many reasons for this.

• They don’t feel the same pressure as you do to be on time
• They don’t particularly like school/appt so there is no motivation to get out the door
• They are tired
• Their internal mode of operation is naturally slower 
• They are new to the pressure of getting somewhere ‘on time’
• They are feeling unprepared for a day of unknowns which can lead to fear

What is YOUR child’s reason? 

Many of you are probably thinking, ‘none of these, my child is just being disobedient’. Well, let’s put that aside for now and think about your child’s experience of you and let’s see if we can turn a challenging situation that can be disconnecting, into a morning full of connection and trust-building. A morning that allows them to be excited for the day. Let’s remember that while you may feel like you have done this morning routine for many days, they are still relatively new at life and they are taking their cues from you. If you are anxious or hurried or upset, they will react to those emotions. Try your best to start the day in a way that is beneficial for you. This may mean getting up a little bit earlier so you can have a bit of peace and quiet or your first cup of coffee or better yet, some prayer and meditation. Also, set your expectations at a reasonable place. Think baby steps. Progress is progress even if it is small. It takes time to change when you may be ready to have a positive morning, but if that has not been your child’s experience, they may need several positive interactions before they begin to recognize this new way of interacting.

Ok, now let’s get into some answering a couple of questions…

1. You know how long it takes you to get ready in the morning, but have you considered if you are leaving enough room for their pace? 

     -Try going into to wake them up 5 minutes earlier and when they ask for more time in bed you can give them 5 more minutes. This can be really helpful in preparing your kids for transition.

2. Is your child hungry right away (do they need to eat before getting dressed) or do they need to do other things first (eating at the end of the morning, or - don’t freak out - have a granola bar on the way to school)?
     -Each child is different and being flexible promotes trust and connection.

3. Does your child like to have a say in what they wear each day or is this overwhelming and is it better if it is laid out for them beforehand? If they like to pick out their own clothes, do they have too many options?
    -Try clearing out the closet and leaving only a handful of options. (The fun part of this is that each week there could be a new wardrobe (depending on how many clothes you needed to remove.)

4. This may be obvious, but maybe not. Is your child getting enough sleep?
     -Maybe they need more than you think and maybe they need to go to bed earlier. Or maybe you need to speak with a doctor about what you can do to help your child sleep better. Some older kids really struggle and if they don’t know what a good night’s sleep feels like, then maybe they don’t even realize they aren’t sleeping well. For kids who struggle to regulate their emotions or their bodies, calming themselves in preparation for sleep can be extremely difficult. Ask questions and find out how you can help them get to a calm place to be able to sleep well. (This may take a professional and that’s ok)

5. When put under pressure, does your child seem like they slow down?
     -What encouraging words and preparations for transitions can be put into place so they are more at ease (and you are too) so they can function at a stress-free pace? (Kids that struggle feel more connected and respond better when you move in close, get on their level, look in their eyes, talk calmly, lovingly, and firmly.) Maybe that means while still waking up for the day, you talk about what this day will look like. Maybe it is PE day and asking what snack would they like to pack for a mid-morning snack at school. And Yes, I will be there at the end of the day to pick you up. This may seem obvious to you since it happens every day, but your kids are still building trust and often need to be reassured. Talk about any other activities that might happen after school as well, soccer practice or a play date with friends. What time Dad will be home or what events will happen at night. Reassure, and knowing what is expected can be a real source of security for a lot of kids.

Keep in mind:

- For older kids

Giving them some ownership in how they get ready for school, what order things are done, and what ultimately happens (late or on time) is a good idea. Talk about it with them and get their thoughts and then follow through. Make sure only encouraging words and words of affirmation are used. Ex - I really see you trying to make your lunch and get out of the house, is there anything you need help with? What you shouldn't say- “remember if you are late the consequences are on you. You aren’t going to make it if you don’t get started.”

- What if you try something and it doesn’t seem to help? 

Don’t give up. Remember that some of this might be trial and error. One of the things to remember is that your children are still learning and they need your patience.

- Maybe the hardest is that there may be times when you need to let go of a preference for the ultimate goal. 

For instance, if your child wants to pick their own clothes out and they don’t match. It’s okay. Let them enjoy being themselves. Or do they brush their teeth first and eat later? It’s okay. Sometimes we hold on to the way of doing things because it works best for us, or it is the way it has always been done. Don’t be afraid of changing it up or being unconventional. As long as the important goal is accomplished (getting to school WHILE staying connected); it's okay to modify how you get there.

For better or worse

Ultimately, YOU set the tone in your home. When attitudes and behaviors threaten to derail your morning (or afternoon, or night), stop, step back, take a deep breath or five, and think. Think of something positive to say or give your child a hug even if you don’t think you want to, look them in the eye and help them to relax. Now start again, but in a more connected frame of mind. This is not easy so don’t think that is what I am saying here. This can be really challenging, especially when we find ourselves in a pattern of behavior and response that has gone on for a while. However, we cannot expect our kids to change their hearts and behaviors if we are not willing to do the same. In fact, we as adults need to be willing to do the hard work even if our kids are not. If you find yourself stuck, reach out to a counselor. We all need support and perspective at times.

Parenting Series - Bedtime

Parenting Series

Ever make it to the end of a wonderful day only to lose it just when you are putting your child to bed? You aren’t the only one. Bedtime can be a really hard part of the day. It is just another part of parenting that reminds us that we don’t have as much control as we think we do. I relate to this struggle so much. Bedtime was a battleground and I wish I had known these things I am going to share with you. 

Bedtime

Before we go into some tips that might help turn bedtime around, let’s first look at bedtime in a whole new light. Bedtime should be a time of connection. A time to slow down and see your child as just that, a child. Not a small adult. Children need to be trained for the eventuality that they will need to put themselves to bed in the future, but that is a process that takes years. In the meantime, we are taking them through the process in a way that is building a meaningful relationship; a connected relationship that will benefit us and them for the next day, week, year, etc.

A child who falls asleep contented and feeling loved is far more likely to sleep better and wake up better than one who fell asleep exhausted, anxious, and misunderstood. Which is how a lot of our kids end up sleeping. They can’t tell you this because they are unaware of how to express their feelings. However, we can see their feelings and their needs by looking at the behaviors we see. A child scared of the dark may not say it, but they may not want you to leave and continually ask for you to come back for multiple reasons. A child who is still amped up from an exciting day full of activity may not know how to calm themselves and can’t tell you they still have too much energy, but they will surely show it by continually getting out of bed for a myriad of reasons. It is our job as the adults tasked with parenting them to figure out the need behind the behavior. As all children are different with different needs, it can be challenging to decipher their needs and meet them where they are at. 

With that said, let me share a few ideas that might help.

     1. Have a bedtime routine that incorporates fun and togetherness. Lots of families do bathtime before bed and that can be great. However, if you are noticing that bathtime gets your child more excited and is not relaxing, then this may actually be counterproductive. You may have a family song or music that fosters relaxation or time for backrubs or conversation about the day or what to expect for tomorrow. Choose things that foster relaxation AND connection.

     2. Remember that each child has different needs at bedtime so beyond the necessary activities of brushing teeth, using the restroom (if they are doing that yet), and dressing for bed, they may each have unique things that help them relax and feel connected. One child might need a backrub. Another child might need music. While another child might need to know what the schedule is for tomorrow so they can feel relaxed and ready for sleep. Some children might need you to stay with them for a bit while they fall asleep because they feel reassured and safe in your presence. This can be difficult especially after a long day and you are ready for your own nighttime routine, but remember, five or ten minutes of your time with each child might save you an hour or more of frustration later and it may even give them a better nights sleep which will help them in the morning. The benefit for you is that you are more connected to your child and are ready to parent them in all their strengths and struggles the following day.

     3. Because kids are not experts at Self-Regulation, they need us to help them regulate for bedtime. This means that we need to be mindful of our voice (volume, tone, cadence). If we want our children to be getting ready to fall asleep, we need to slow our words down a bit, lower our volume (if it tends to be naturally higher) and soften our tone. - As adults, we can struggle in this area as well so first make sure you are regulated before you moving to teach your child. To help this process, a good idea is to put the phone away, turn off the tv, and make this a time to focus on only the child/children and take a couple of deep slow breath. When you are relaxed, it will help them to relax.

     4. Set your expectations appropriately. We all want our kids to listen and obey - first time, all the time, with a happy heart. Let’s be honest, for some kids that seems to be an impossible task. So instead of getting frustrated, let’s set new expectations; reminding ourselves that our kids are in process. They aren't "trained up" yet, nor should they be. We don’t change our expectation of obedience, but let’s change our expectations for how we get there. Let’s leave room for failure and grace. Let’s have kindness and connection drive the bedtime routine knowing that some days are just a little harder than others and relaxing for sleep may take longer. Now, I realize that those are nights when you need sleep to come faster, but remember - YOU CANT RUSH IT OR CONTROL IT. You do, however, have a lot of influence over it. Start with connection and relationship and in the end, you both will benefit.

Remember - each one of your children is precious and was endowed by their creator with gifts and challenges. It is up to you to meet them where they are and train them up into adulthood. This takes time and a lot of energy. Expect failure on their part and for sure on your part as well. Say you're sorry to them when you mess up and I think you will be surprised, not only at how they are ready and willing to forgive but also how an atmosphere of forgiveness and humility will permeate a deeper sense of peace in your home.

Parenting Series - Needs

Parenting Series

     We all have an idea of what the ideal child looks like. Quiet, compliant, attentive, intelligent, compassionate, obedient - need I go on? All of our children lived up to this ideal...and then they were born. They may have even made it to age 1 or even 2 years old. Then reality took hold and they learned they had a voice and a will and thus begins the true test of our parenting skills. We realize how ill-prepared we are. He/She is messy, loud, rambunctious, dirty, disobedient, honest and not in a good way, slow to learn, slow to listen, and very quick to be angry. There are tears and fits, and meltdowns and as parents, we are exhausted and frustrated and wondering when our next full night of sleep will be.

Needs 

     Our children have needs and we have expectations. How do we know what is age appropriate and that our expectations are reasonable? So let’s say the obvious up front. All children are created equal in regards to their value and preciousness, but they are not created equal in physical, emotional, or intellectual capabilities. God created each one of them differently and we need to take those differences into account when parenting them. For example, a child that is quiet and naturally compliant might like to read but may struggle with chaos and making friends while another child might be loud and messy, but friends come easily. Another child might be strong-willed and push every boundary and test every rule, but has no need to follow the trends and whims of what other kids are into, while another might follows the rules and is easy going, but struggles with wanting to belong even if that means doing or saying things to fit in. Each child has their strengths and struggles. We as parents need to encourage them in their strengths and challenge them appropriately in their struggles.
     From the examples above - The strong-willed child might need opportunities at home to lead so that he/she can learn to lead with humility and love, and lots of praise for being willing to be his own person and not be swept up in every fad or fashion. The naturally compliant child should be praised for being obedient and challenged in the area of making friends at a level appropriate for his/her age and capacity.
     A part of making your child feel loved, seen, heard, and understood is to actually take the time to love them, make eye contact and smile, listen to them, and understand them as a person. Also taking the time to step back a bit and ask “Am I trying to make my child in my own image or am I allowing them the freedom to be who they were created to be?” One of the ways we can answer this question is to talk with other people who know your child well. Grandparents, child care workers, teachers, coaches and ask them what strengths and struggles they see. They may see a trait that you don’t often see at home so you can either encourage that trait or begin to proactively train your child to handle situations more appropriately.
     Proactive training is a powerful tool in a parent's toolbox and yet underutilized. When you start a new job they usually schedule in a portion of time for training. This a time set aside to show you what and how to do your new job. It costs time, and money to put people thru job training, but the long term benefits are easily seen. So why wouldn’t we take this idea into our parenting?
     When my two oldest boys were very young and we still had a landline phone they wanted to answer the phone when it rang. One day my son picked up the phone to answer a call and he said ‘What?’, no hello, no hi, just ‘What?’. I knew then and there we needed to have some practice in answering the phone. The three of us sat down on the floor and played telephone. We pretended to call each other and I told them how to answer the phone and then they took turns calling and answering the phone. It was fun and funny and we laughed and by the end of it, they had a pretty good handle on what they were supposed to do. It didn’t even take 10 minutes. Other training moments may need more time and lots more practice. Teaching my children to turn off the light when they leave a room took much longer and even now, some of my children are better at it than others. Whenever possible, make it fun. Family Game Night is a wonderful way to have family time, teach new skills or work on character traits, including how to navigate strong feelings, but don’t forget to have a lot of fun together as well. This is a time to put away your phones, turn off the tv and give your undivided attention. It can be as long as you want or as short as it needs to be, but remember, kids learn better when they are having fun so be intentional about it.
     Other ideas may include - Make something fun for dinner or make a fun dessert. If the kids are old enough, ask - What was your favorite part of today/week? What was hard about today/week? You can also plan a training moment where you work on how to respond to a difficult situation. Maybe for a toddler, it is saying “yes, mommy” when it’s time to clean up or “thank you” to another adult. Maybe for an older child, it is practicing asking for help with homework in a kind voice rather than a demanding voice, or practice handling social situations.
     These are just a couple of ideas. You don’t have to do them all at once. Try to make it a regular event, but maybe for your family that is once a week or maybe once a month. You will be closer as a family, you will learn new things about your child/children and they will be getting valuable time with you as well.
     I know some of you are busy. If coming up with ideas is overwhelming you can, click HERE for game ideas. For practicing skills or behaviors, you can use puppets (or action figures or stuffed animals) with small children and for older children just a short honest conversation about what you are seeing and practicing what it would look like to do it correctly. Another helpful technique to encourage cooperation is to share something you struggle with and then practice a better response. This will keep your child from feeling shame about their struggles. Keep grace at the forefront of your interactions.

     So what do your kids NEED? They need YOU! They need you to be present, to listen, to know them, and to understand what they are capable of. To have compassion and forgiveness when they mess up, as well as apologizing to them when you mess up, and to rejoice with them when they do it right.


-as with my other posts, thanks to Summer Fletcher for helping me as a content editor

Current books I recommend are:
Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel
The Whole -Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post
For those who foster or who have adopted children I recommend:
The Connected Child by Wendy Lyons Sunshine and David R. Cross

Parenting Series - Tantrums

Parenting Series

 Children melt down for a variety of reasons and some of them don't seem like a good reason to get upset. For instance, said child might have a meltdown because you cut their sandwich in half and they wanted triangles. Or you gave the child a blue cup and they wanted the purple one. What does it matter? The sandwich tastes the same either way and the cup's color shouldn't matter. It's maddening and when you are on your 5th meltdown of the day, it's no wonder there are so many meme's about needing a glass of wine at 2 pm in the afternoon. There has to be a better way, right?

Tantrums

Depending on your style of parenting, your reaction to a tantrum might be one of the following:
1.Engage in a battle of wills - taking it personally and/or trying to rationalize with the child by talking over them or 'yelling' at the them to calm down or stop making such a fuss. Shaming, or convincing, or bribing them into obedience. 
2. "Talk to the hand" - displays of emotion are too hard to handle so you send the child to his/her room to calm down.
3. Ignore it - people in the education world call it 'putting it on extinction'. In essence, if you don't acknowledge it they will stop doing it. 

Yes! There is a better way and you've probably had days when you did a better job so you just need to be reminded that they are in process, you are in process. There will be bad days, and there will be good days; tomorrow is a new day to start again. 

1. Don't take it personally. They have their own feelings and desires and are not a reflection of you on the whole. It may, however, be a reflection of you in that moment as some kids have an uncanny ability to sense our emotions and reflect them back to us. For instance - you running late feeling hurried and anxious could be a reason why your child is irritable as well. Nice combo, am I right!?!
2. Before you act, ask yourself a couple of questions.
     a. Is is close to nap time? (before or after)
     b. Are they exhausted from physical or mental exertion, or in need of physical or mental exercise? Kids need to have a healthy balance of both. Alternating throughout the day.
     c. Are they hungry? Ideally kids should eat healthy foods/snacks every 2 hours throughout the day.
     d. Are they in need of your attention? Sometime we feel because we around we are paying attention to our kids when, in fact, we have just given them our presence and they are in need our our undivided attention whether it be reading to them, or playing a game with them or just being silly dancing to a favorite song. 
    e. Where is my child developmentally? Small children no matter how bright they are have brain that are not fully developed. In fact, higher brain functionality isn’t fully developed until the mid to late 20s. I encourage everyone to think of your child’s meltdowns as an opportunity for more training first. (The science and more great info can be found in this book, HERE.)

When you need to act, and you will. Act with compassion (eye level and holding your child's hands if possible). Not fake 'Oh I am so sorry you have to eat a delicious sandwich cut into rectangles when other kids don't have any food at all, boo hoo for you'  I am talking about true compassion that says 'Oh sandwich triangles are fun aren't they? You want me to show you how you can make triangles out of your two halves? No? I'm sorry your sad. Would you like me to ask you how you want your sandwich next time? Okay, next time maybe you can help me make your sandwich so we get it right.' 

This is not a foolproof formula for a 'no tantrum day'. There is however a way of being with your child that says I care about you enough to help you learn the lessons you need to learn in a way that demonstrates love and compassion. Jesus modeled love and compassion everyday and we would do well to pass along his example to our children.

 Definition of compassion
: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

Does your heart and your words reflect this when communicating to your children? Notice in the example above, I didn't offer to remake the sandwich. Why? That would alleviate the child's distress, right? Maybe. However, it doesn’t solve the greater issue at hand; which in a long view of things is the need for your child to understand that a tantrum is not the way to get their needs met appropriately. We as parents are tasked with helping our children learn how to get their needs met and learn how to deal with disappointment appropriately. In order for them to learn these things, they need to know that their voice (needs and desires) matters and that they can trust us to meet their needs. A child who trust's their parent is a child that is more likely to obey even when it gets hard. Building that level of trust takes time. They don't have this level of trust at 2 years old or at 4 years old. They need you to demonstrate over and over again that you care, that their voice matters, that when at all possible you will do what you can to meet their needs, that their emotions aren't too big for you to handle, that you will rejoice with them when they get it right, but won't shame them when they mess it up, and above all, you will ask for forgiveness when you get it wrong...and you will. 

After a tantrum is over and your child is back to a calm and more contented state is the best time to address the behavior and talk about a better way to handle it. This may be after a nap or after hugs and a snack. You might start by asking a few questions like:
Remember when you cried about the blue cup? Screaming at mommy and throwing in on the floor wasn't a good way to handle it. What do you think you could do next time? or What is a better way to handle it? If they can think of a better way, then say 'Let's practice.' If they can't think of a better way, make it a fun game of which response is respectful and which is disrespectful. Demonstrate both and let them tell you which is which, then let them practice both ways; making sure to cheer them on when they do it right. This makes it a teachable moment rather than an long drawn out battle.

Parenting Series - Picky Eater

Parenting Series

I often hear parents asking about how to get their kids to eat healthy foods or how to get them to try different kinds of food. Well, the simple answer is 'You Can't'. Kids will or will not like certain foods and there is not much you can do about it, especially if that child is particularly strong willed. However, that is not particularly helpful so here are some things to consider when you encounter this issue. 

Picky Eater

First question to answer is whether or not this is the battle you really want to fight or are there other more important character issues that need your attention and energy? If however, you are not dealing with a whole host of other parenting challenges in this season with your child, then proceed with care. Remember, good parenting builds trust and connection so when all else fails, look your child in the eye and remind them that you are for them and they are loved.
1. Lots of children can be picky eaters but particularly kids who have some form of trauma in their background. (not enough food in the womb, severe allergies, abuse, neglect, etc.) If you are caring for a child who has had trauma, I would advise training and support from those who know how to support you. In AZ you can go HERE for such training and support.

2. Take time to consider how many more foods you like as an adult and know that over time your children will naturally start to enjoy more foods so just because they don't like asparagus as a 2 year old, doesn't mean they never will. Maybe they never will, but there are plenty of other healthy options they may enjoy and there is time to develop a taste for other foods.

3. Don't fight this battle when out to eat, at a friend's house, or at a party. Out in public your child may already be in a position of uncertainty and more likely to feel shame or embarrassment over this than feelings of confidence and trust. 

4. Start small. If you want your child to try peas for the first time, start with one or two peas on their plate along with another food that they do like. Knowing and seeing how small the task at hand is might feel more doable than telling them they only have to take one bite of a huge mound. They may resist at first due to how things have gone in the past but ask them to try and then say no more. Some kids will resist even more if you try to push. (I know first hand, just ask my mom - maybe not specifically about food, but you get the idea) When they manage to try it, heap on the praise. Don't give them more unless they ask. Remember, you can give them 3-4 next time around. You have plenty of time.

5. Many parents tell their kids that if they eat their veggies they will get dessert (Maybe not every night, but a fun option on nights when you know it would be hard to try something new). However, tie it proportionally to how much of it they eat. So one bite equals one bite of dessert. If they finished it, then they receive the full portion. This way they are more likely to at least give it a go and still have a reward at the end. 

6. If you are going to have a meal that you think is going to be a challenge for your kids, make it the exception, not the rule. Always provide at least one item your child enjoys. For example: You are serving meatloaf - this is new for your picky eater, but it is what is being served. Your child loves Mac n Cheese. Make both and serve a tiny portion of both on the plate (and by tiny I mean 1 child sized bite of meatloaf and 2 bites of mac n cheese). If they finish both, then praises and more mac n cheese is given with no more words about eating more meatloaf unless they ask for it. This way they learn to trust you and won't be shamed or have to go hungry. If they refuse the meatloaf then no more food is given but they are not shamed. You are kind and sympathetic to their hunger and repeat that they may have more mac n cheese when they have tried their meatloaf. Maybe even offer to add ketchup or bbq sauce if they would like. 

7. Communicate with your child that you also have foods you like and some you don't prefer. This way they know it's normal to have preferences. Model trying new foods and involve them in the meal planning and preparation, if possible, so they develop confidence and trust. 

Good parents want to raise healthy kids that eat healthy food, but sometimes making food a battle can backfire and can cause later food issues that are unhealthy. Take it slow as you challenge your picky eater. Give lots of love and attention and hugs and affirmation for the foods they will eat and avoid shaming them into eating foods they don't like. You have lots of years (and meals) ahead of you so be patient with them. 

Parenting Series - Whining

Parenting Series 

I was on a parenting panel recently and felt the parents asked some really good questions. However, I felt that my answers were a little bit lacking in the depth department. So, I decided to re-answer - if you will - some of the questions in greater detail and maybe even a couple different questions if I can think of some. 

     I was going to add a little background info on myself, my family, what our parenting
     philosophy was and what it is now, why it changed, etc. Then I thought that sounded
     like too much to just add in so I created a different post for that specifically so if you
    are interested you can read it here.

Whining

First question I will elaborate on is the one that has nagged at me since I answered it. I won't get the exact question correct, because I don't remember how they phrased it, but essentially it was about whining and what can be done to get it to stop. 

     Here is what I remember saying in a nutshell...
     I don't hear whining. If a child whines, I say "I'm sorry I can't hear you, would you like
     to try that again?" 

Let me elaborate... 
     A child uses a whiny tone of voice for a reason. Ask yourself a question: When my child is using a whiny voice, am I looking to hear/understand/notice her? Or have I been too busy to connect with him? They may have been unable to get the attention/understanding they needed in the past and since the whiny voice grates on our nerves, they have learned it's the best way to get us to stop what we are doing and focus on them. Even if the attention is negative, it is still attention. 
    
     Some of you may be asking an important question at this point. 'Isn't obedience what my kids need to learn? I don't need to understand them to teach them to obey.' So let me ask you a question. 'Do you want to have a voice in your child's life as they move into the teen years and beyond?' Since I know the answer to that question is 'Yes' then remember that it is not about control, but about relationship (just as it is with our relationship with God). In a relationship we seek to understand each other. Yes, they need to learn to obey! But they need to learn to obey in an environment of relationship and connection. 
      
     A great way for a child to learn to change from a whiny voice to their God given child's voice (although not a quick way, since changing a learned behavior can take time) is to find a time to use pretend play and practice how to ask for something you need or get an adults attention. Children love puppets so this is often a fun way to do it. First you practice the whiny way (you an also practice the sassy way or the rude way during different play sessions) then you practice the polite way (I like to call this 'using your REAL voice').
Children love pretending and allowing them to hear both the whiny and polite tones of voice give them a chance to hear what they sound like in contrast. 

     Proactive teaching using play is an extremely effective tool in teaching children what they need to know about how to behave and what is expected of them. 

     When you have had the chance to practice with your child a couple of times and are confident they know what is expected, here is what you can say when their whiny voice creeps back in...simply, calmly, and at eye level say...
"sweetheart, I want to hear what you have to say to me, but I need you to try that again using your "REAL voice" Once they have done a re-do you can praise them for a job well done and then address the request at hand. If you have to say 'no' for whatever reason, try this approach, "I understand why you want to watch TV right now. That show is really fun to watch isn't it? We will find time later (or tomorrow) to watch that show, but now is not a good time." Letting the child know that you understand why they are making the request and validating their feelings allows them to feel you have adequately heard them. Remember, repetition is the key. The more they practice (re-do) and the more they feel heard/understood the less you will hear the whiny tone of voice being used.

-A special thank you to Summer Fletcher for her guidance and direction with this blog post. (http://www.lifesongcounselingcenter.com)