Parenting Series
Ever make it to the end of a wonderful day only to lose it just when you are putting your child to bed? You aren’t the only one. Bedtime can be a really hard part of the day. It is just another part of parenting that reminds us that we don’t have as much control as we think we do. I relate to this struggle so much. Bedtime was a battleground and I wish I had known these things I am going to share with you.
Bedtime
Before we go into some tips that might help turn bedtime around, let’s first look at bedtime in a whole new light. Bedtime should be a time of connection. A time to slow down and see your child as just that, a child. Not a small adult. Children need to be trained for the eventuality that they will need to put themselves to bed in the future, but that is a process that takes years. In the meantime, we are taking them through the process in a way that is building a meaningful relationship; a connected relationship that will benefit us and them for the next day, week, year, etc.
A child who falls asleep contented and feeling loved is far more likely to sleep better and wake up better than one who fell asleep exhausted, anxious, and misunderstood. Which is how a lot of our kids end up sleeping. They can’t tell you this because they are unaware of how to express their feelings. However, we can see their feelings and their needs by looking at the behaviors we see. A child scared of the dark may not say it, but they may not want you to leave and continually ask for you to come back for multiple reasons. A child who is still amped up from an exciting day full of activity may not know how to calm themselves and can’t tell you they still have too much energy, but they will surely show it by continually getting out of bed for a myriad of reasons. It is our job as the adults tasked with parenting them to figure out the need behind the behavior. As all children are different with different needs, it can be challenging to decipher their needs and meet them where they are at.
With that said, let me share a few ideas that might help.
1. Have a bedtime routine that incorporates fun and togetherness. Lots of families do bathtime before bed and that can be great. However, if you are noticing that bathtime gets your child more excited and is not relaxing, then this may actually be counterproductive. You may have a family song or music that fosters relaxation or time for backrubs or conversation about the day or what to expect for tomorrow. Choose things that foster relaxation AND connection.
2. Remember that each child has different needs at bedtime so beyond the necessary activities of brushing teeth, using the restroom (if they are doing that yet), and dressing for bed, they may each have unique things that help them relax and feel connected. One child might need a backrub. Another child might need music. While another child might need to know what the schedule is for tomorrow so they can feel relaxed and ready for sleep. Some children might need you to stay with them for a bit while they fall asleep because they feel reassured and safe in your presence. This can be difficult especially after a long day and you are ready for your own nighttime routine, but remember, five or ten minutes of your time with each child might save you an hour or more of frustration later and it may even give them a better nights sleep which will help them in the morning. The benefit for you is that you are more connected to your child and are ready to parent them in all their strengths and struggles the following day.
3. Because kids are not experts at Self-Regulation, they need us to help them regulate for bedtime. This means that we need to be mindful of our voice (volume, tone, cadence). If we want our children to be getting ready to fall asleep, we need to slow our words down a bit, lower our volume (if it tends to be naturally higher) and soften our tone. - As adults, we can struggle in this area as well so first make sure you are regulated before you moving to teach your child. To help this process, a good idea is to put the phone away, turn off the tv, and make this a time to focus on only the child/children and take a couple of deep slow breath. When you are relaxed, it will help them to relax.
4. Set your expectations appropriately. We all want our kids to listen and obey - first time, all the time, with a happy heart. Let’s be honest, for some kids that seems to be an impossible task. So instead of getting frustrated, let’s set new expectations; reminding ourselves that our kids are in process. They aren't "trained up" yet, nor should they be. We don’t change our expectation of obedience, but let’s change our expectations for how we get there. Let’s leave room for failure and grace. Let’s have kindness and connection drive the bedtime routine knowing that some days are just a little harder than others and relaxing for sleep may take longer. Now, I realize that those are nights when you need sleep to come faster, but remember - YOU CANT RUSH IT OR CONTROL IT. You do, however, have a lot of influence over it. Start with connection and relationship and in the end, you both will benefit.
Remember - each one of your children is precious and was endowed by their creator with gifts and challenges. It is up to you to meet them where they are and train them up into adulthood. This takes time and a lot of energy. Expect failure on their part and for sure on your part as well. Say you're sorry to them when you mess up and I think you will be surprised, not only at how they are ready and willing to forgive but also how an atmosphere of forgiveness and humility will permeate a deeper sense of peace in your home.
1. Have a bedtime routine that incorporates fun and togetherness. Lots of families do bathtime before bed and that can be great. However, if you are noticing that bathtime gets your child more excited and is not relaxing, then this may actually be counterproductive. You may have a family song or music that fosters relaxation or time for backrubs or conversation about the day or what to expect for tomorrow. Choose things that foster relaxation AND connection.
2. Remember that each child has different needs at bedtime so beyond the necessary activities of brushing teeth, using the restroom (if they are doing that yet), and dressing for bed, they may each have unique things that help them relax and feel connected. One child might need a backrub. Another child might need music. While another child might need to know what the schedule is for tomorrow so they can feel relaxed and ready for sleep. Some children might need you to stay with them for a bit while they fall asleep because they feel reassured and safe in your presence. This can be difficult especially after a long day and you are ready for your own nighttime routine, but remember, five or ten minutes of your time with each child might save you an hour or more of frustration later and it may even give them a better nights sleep which will help them in the morning. The benefit for you is that you are more connected to your child and are ready to parent them in all their strengths and struggles the following day.
3. Because kids are not experts at Self-Regulation, they need us to help them regulate for bedtime. This means that we need to be mindful of our voice (volume, tone, cadence). If we want our children to be getting ready to fall asleep, we need to slow our words down a bit, lower our volume (if it tends to be naturally higher) and soften our tone. - As adults, we can struggle in this area as well so first make sure you are regulated before you moving to teach your child. To help this process, a good idea is to put the phone away, turn off the tv, and make this a time to focus on only the child/children and take a couple of deep slow breath. When you are relaxed, it will help them to relax.
4. Set your expectations appropriately. We all want our kids to listen and obey - first time, all the time, with a happy heart. Let’s be honest, for some kids that seems to be an impossible task. So instead of getting frustrated, let’s set new expectations; reminding ourselves that our kids are in process. They aren't "trained up" yet, nor should they be. We don’t change our expectation of obedience, but let’s change our expectations for how we get there. Let’s leave room for failure and grace. Let’s have kindness and connection drive the bedtime routine knowing that some days are just a little harder than others and relaxing for sleep may take longer. Now, I realize that those are nights when you need sleep to come faster, but remember - YOU CANT RUSH IT OR CONTROL IT. You do, however, have a lot of influence over it. Start with connection and relationship and in the end, you both will benefit.
Remember - each one of your children is precious and was endowed by their creator with gifts and challenges. It is up to you to meet them where they are and train them up into adulthood. This takes time and a lot of energy. Expect failure on their part and for sure on your part as well. Say you're sorry to them when you mess up and I think you will be surprised, not only at how they are ready and willing to forgive but also how an atmosphere of forgiveness and humility will permeate a deeper sense of peace in your home.
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