Mornings can be really difficult! I hear this from so many people. Getting kids out the door to get to school can be a really big challenge and they just don’t know how to spur their kids on to getting what needs to be done, completed in a timely manner so that they aren’t late for school. There can be many reasons for this.
- They don’t feel the same pressure as you do to be on time
- They don’t particularly like school/appt so there is no motivation to get out the door
- They are tired
- Their internal mode of operation is naturally slower
- They are new to the pressure of getting somewhere ‘on time’
- They are feeling unprepared for a day of unknowns which can lead to fear
Many of you are probably thinking, ‘none of these, my child is just being disobedient’. Well, let’s put that aside for now and think about your child’s experience of you and let’s see if we can turn a challenging situation that can be disconnecting, into a morning full of connection and trust-building. A morning that allows them to be excited for the day. Let’s remember that while you may feel like you have done this morning routine for many days, they are still relatively new at life and they are taking their cues from you. If you are anxious or hurried or upset, they will react to those emotions. Try your best to start the day in a way that is beneficial for you. This may mean getting up a little bit earlier so you can have a bit of peace and quiet or your first cup of coffee or better yet, some prayer and meditation. Also, set your expectations at a reasonable place. Think baby steps. Progress is progress even if it is small. It takes time to change when you may be ready to have a positive morning, but if that has not been your child’s experience, they may need several positive interactions before they begin to recognize this new way of interacting.
Ok, now let’s get into some answering a couple of questions…
1. You know how long it takes you to get ready in the morning, but have you considered if you are leaving enough room for their pace?
Ok, now let’s get into some answering a couple of questions…
1. You know how long it takes you to get ready in the morning, but have you considered if you are leaving enough room for their pace?
-Try going into to wake them up 5 minutes earlier and when they ask for more time in bed you can give them 5 more minutes. This can be really helpful in preparing your kids for transition.
2. Is your child hungry right away (do they need to eat before getting dressed) or do they need to do other things first (eating at the end of the morning, or - don’t freak out - have a granola bar on the way to school)?
-Each child is different and being flexible promotes trust and connection.
-Each child is different and being flexible promotes trust and connection.
3. Does your child like to have a say in what they wear each day or is this overwhelming and is it better if it is laid out for them beforehand? If they like to pick out their own clothes, do they have too many options?
-Try clearing out the closet and leaving only a handful of options. (The fun part of this is that each week there could be a new wardrobe (depending on how many clothes you needed to remove.)
-Try clearing out the closet and leaving only a handful of options. (The fun part of this is that each week there could be a new wardrobe (depending on how many clothes you needed to remove.)
4. This may be obvious, but maybe not. Is your child getting enough sleep?
-Maybe they need more than you think and maybe they need to go to bed earlier. Or maybe you need to speak with a doctor about what you can do to help your child sleep better. Some older kids really struggle and if they don’t know what a good night’s sleep feels like, then maybe they don’t even realize they aren’t sleeping well. For kids who struggle to regulate their emotions or their bodies, calming themselves in preparation for sleep can be extremely difficult. Ask questions and find out how you can help them get to a calm place to be able to sleep well. (This may take a professional and that’s ok)
-Maybe they need more than you think and maybe they need to go to bed earlier. Or maybe you need to speak with a doctor about what you can do to help your child sleep better. Some older kids really struggle and if they don’t know what a good night’s sleep feels like, then maybe they don’t even realize they aren’t sleeping well. For kids who struggle to regulate their emotions or their bodies, calming themselves in preparation for sleep can be extremely difficult. Ask questions and find out how you can help them get to a calm place to be able to sleep well. (This may take a professional and that’s ok)
5. When put under pressure, does your child seem like they slow down?
-What encouraging words and preparations for transitions can be put into place so they are more at ease (and you are too) so they can function at a stress-free pace? (Kids that struggle feel more connected and respond better when you move in close, get on their level, look in their eyes, talk calmly, lovingly, and firmly.) Maybe that means while still waking up for the day, you talk about what this day will look like. Maybe it is PE day and asking what snack would they like to pack for a mid-morning snack at school. And Yes, I will be there at the end of the day to pick you up. This may seem obvious to you since it happens every day, but your kids are still building trust and often need to be reassured. Talk about any other activities that might happen after school as well, soccer practice or a play date with friends. What time Dad will be home or what events will happen at night. Reassure, and knowing what is expected can be a real source of security for a lot of kids.
Keep in mind:
- For older kids
-What encouraging words and preparations for transitions can be put into place so they are more at ease (and you are too) so they can function at a stress-free pace? (Kids that struggle feel more connected and respond better when you move in close, get on their level, look in their eyes, talk calmly, lovingly, and firmly.) Maybe that means while still waking up for the day, you talk about what this day will look like. Maybe it is PE day and asking what snack would they like to pack for a mid-morning snack at school. And Yes, I will be there at the end of the day to pick you up. This may seem obvious to you since it happens every day, but your kids are still building trust and often need to be reassured. Talk about any other activities that might happen after school as well, soccer practice or a play date with friends. What time Dad will be home or what events will happen at night. Reassure, and knowing what is expected can be a real source of security for a lot of kids.
Keep in mind:
- For older kids
Giving them some ownership in how they get ready for school, what order things are done, and what ultimately happens (late or on time) is a good idea. Talk about it with them and get their thoughts and then follow through. Make sure only encouraging words and words of affirmation are used. Ex - I really see you trying to make your lunch and get out of the house, is there anything you need help with? What you shouldn't say- “remember if you are late the consequences are on you. You aren’t going to make it if you don’t get started.”
- What if you try something and it doesn’t seem to help?
- What if you try something and it doesn’t seem to help?
Don’t give up. Remember that some of this might be trial and error. One of the things to remember is that your children are still learning and they need your patience.
- Maybe the hardest is that there may be times when you need to let go of a preference for the ultimate goal.
- Maybe the hardest is that there may be times when you need to let go of a preference for the ultimate goal.
For instance, if your child wants to pick their own clothes out and they don’t match. It’s okay. Let them enjoy being themselves. Or do they brush their teeth first and eat later? It’s okay. Sometimes we hold on to the way of doing things because it works best for us, or it is the way it has always been done. Don’t be afraid of changing it up or being unconventional. As long as the important goal is accomplished (getting to school WHILE staying connected); it's okay to modify how you get there.
For better or worse
Ultimately, YOU set the tone in your home. When attitudes and behaviors threaten to derail your morning (or afternoon, or night), stop, step back, take a deep breath or five, and think. Think of something positive to say or give your child a hug even if you don’t think you want to, look them in the eye and help them to relax. Now start again, but in a more connected frame of mind. This is not easy so don’t think that is what I am saying here. This can be really challenging, especially when we find ourselves in a pattern of behavior and response that has gone on for a while. However, we cannot expect our kids to change their hearts and behaviors if we are not willing to do the same. In fact, we as adults need to be willing to do the hard work even if our kids are not. If you find yourself stuck, reach out to a counselor. We all need support and perspective at times.
