Mornings - Yes, they can be difficult

Mornings can be really difficult! I hear this from so many people. Getting kids out the door to get to school can be a really big challenge and they just don’t know how to spur their kids on to getting what needs to be done, completed in a timely manner so that they aren’t late for school. There can be many reasons for this.

• They don’t feel the same pressure as you do to be on time
• They don’t particularly like school/appt so there is no motivation to get out the door
• They are tired
• Their internal mode of operation is naturally slower 
• They are new to the pressure of getting somewhere ‘on time’
• They are feeling unprepared for a day of unknowns which can lead to fear

What is YOUR child’s reason? 

Many of you are probably thinking, ‘none of these, my child is just being disobedient’. Well, let’s put that aside for now and think about your child’s experience of you and let’s see if we can turn a challenging situation that can be disconnecting, into a morning full of connection and trust-building. A morning that allows them to be excited for the day. Let’s remember that while you may feel like you have done this morning routine for many days, they are still relatively new at life and they are taking their cues from you. If you are anxious or hurried or upset, they will react to those emotions. Try your best to start the day in a way that is beneficial for you. This may mean getting up a little bit earlier so you can have a bit of peace and quiet or your first cup of coffee or better yet, some prayer and meditation. Also, set your expectations at a reasonable place. Think baby steps. Progress is progress even if it is small. It takes time to change when you may be ready to have a positive morning, but if that has not been your child’s experience, they may need several positive interactions before they begin to recognize this new way of interacting.

Ok, now let’s get into some answering a couple of questions…

1. You know how long it takes you to get ready in the morning, but have you considered if you are leaving enough room for their pace? 

     -Try going into to wake them up 5 minutes earlier and when they ask for more time in bed you can give them 5 more minutes. This can be really helpful in preparing your kids for transition.

2. Is your child hungry right away (do they need to eat before getting dressed) or do they need to do other things first (eating at the end of the morning, or - don’t freak out - have a granola bar on the way to school)?
     -Each child is different and being flexible promotes trust and connection.

3. Does your child like to have a say in what they wear each day or is this overwhelming and is it better if it is laid out for them beforehand? If they like to pick out their own clothes, do they have too many options?
    -Try clearing out the closet and leaving only a handful of options. (The fun part of this is that each week there could be a new wardrobe (depending on how many clothes you needed to remove.)

4. This may be obvious, but maybe not. Is your child getting enough sleep?
     -Maybe they need more than you think and maybe they need to go to bed earlier. Or maybe you need to speak with a doctor about what you can do to help your child sleep better. Some older kids really struggle and if they don’t know what a good night’s sleep feels like, then maybe they don’t even realize they aren’t sleeping well. For kids who struggle to regulate their emotions or their bodies, calming themselves in preparation for sleep can be extremely difficult. Ask questions and find out how you can help them get to a calm place to be able to sleep well. (This may take a professional and that’s ok)

5. When put under pressure, does your child seem like they slow down?
     -What encouraging words and preparations for transitions can be put into place so they are more at ease (and you are too) so they can function at a stress-free pace? (Kids that struggle feel more connected and respond better when you move in close, get on their level, look in their eyes, talk calmly, lovingly, and firmly.) Maybe that means while still waking up for the day, you talk about what this day will look like. Maybe it is PE day and asking what snack would they like to pack for a mid-morning snack at school. And Yes, I will be there at the end of the day to pick you up. This may seem obvious to you since it happens every day, but your kids are still building trust and often need to be reassured. Talk about any other activities that might happen after school as well, soccer practice or a play date with friends. What time Dad will be home or what events will happen at night. Reassure, and knowing what is expected can be a real source of security for a lot of kids.

Keep in mind:

- For older kids

Giving them some ownership in how they get ready for school, what order things are done, and what ultimately happens (late or on time) is a good idea. Talk about it with them and get their thoughts and then follow through. Make sure only encouraging words and words of affirmation are used. Ex - I really see you trying to make your lunch and get out of the house, is there anything you need help with? What you shouldn't say- “remember if you are late the consequences are on you. You aren’t going to make it if you don’t get started.”

- What if you try something and it doesn’t seem to help? 

Don’t give up. Remember that some of this might be trial and error. One of the things to remember is that your children are still learning and they need your patience.

- Maybe the hardest is that there may be times when you need to let go of a preference for the ultimate goal. 

For instance, if your child wants to pick their own clothes out and they don’t match. It’s okay. Let them enjoy being themselves. Or do they brush their teeth first and eat later? It’s okay. Sometimes we hold on to the way of doing things because it works best for us, or it is the way it has always been done. Don’t be afraid of changing it up or being unconventional. As long as the important goal is accomplished (getting to school WHILE staying connected); it's okay to modify how you get there.

For better or worse

Ultimately, YOU set the tone in your home. When attitudes and behaviors threaten to derail your morning (or afternoon, or night), stop, step back, take a deep breath or five, and think. Think of something positive to say or give your child a hug even if you don’t think you want to, look them in the eye and help them to relax. Now start again, but in a more connected frame of mind. This is not easy so don’t think that is what I am saying here. This can be really challenging, especially when we find ourselves in a pattern of behavior and response that has gone on for a while. However, we cannot expect our kids to change their hearts and behaviors if we are not willing to do the same. In fact, we as adults need to be willing to do the hard work even if our kids are not. If you find yourself stuck, reach out to a counselor. We all need support and perspective at times.

Parenting Series - Picky Eater

Parenting Series

I often hear parents asking about how to get their kids to eat healthy foods or how to get them to try different kinds of food. Well, the simple answer is 'You Can't'. Kids will or will not like certain foods and there is not much you can do about it, especially if that child is particularly strong willed. However, that is not particularly helpful so here are some things to consider when you encounter this issue. 

Picky Eater

First question to answer is whether or not this is the battle you really want to fight or are there other more important character issues that need your attention and energy? If however, you are not dealing with a whole host of other parenting challenges in this season with your child, then proceed with care. Remember, good parenting builds trust and connection so when all else fails, look your child in the eye and remind them that you are for them and they are loved.
1. Lots of children can be picky eaters but particularly kids who have some form of trauma in their background. (not enough food in the womb, severe allergies, abuse, neglect, etc.) If you are caring for a child who has had trauma, I would advise training and support from those who know how to support you. In AZ you can go HERE for such training and support.

2. Take time to consider how many more foods you like as an adult and know that over time your children will naturally start to enjoy more foods so just because they don't like asparagus as a 2 year old, doesn't mean they never will. Maybe they never will, but there are plenty of other healthy options they may enjoy and there is time to develop a taste for other foods.

3. Don't fight this battle when out to eat, at a friend's house, or at a party. Out in public your child may already be in a position of uncertainty and more likely to feel shame or embarrassment over this than feelings of confidence and trust. 

4. Start small. If you want your child to try peas for the first time, start with one or two peas on their plate along with another food that they do like. Knowing and seeing how small the task at hand is might feel more doable than telling them they only have to take one bite of a huge mound. They may resist at first due to how things have gone in the past but ask them to try and then say no more. Some kids will resist even more if you try to push. (I know first hand, just ask my mom - maybe not specifically about food, but you get the idea) When they manage to try it, heap on the praise. Don't give them more unless they ask. Remember, you can give them 3-4 next time around. You have plenty of time.

5. Many parents tell their kids that if they eat their veggies they will get dessert (Maybe not every night, but a fun option on nights when you know it would be hard to try something new). However, tie it proportionally to how much of it they eat. So one bite equals one bite of dessert. If they finished it, then they receive the full portion. This way they are more likely to at least give it a go and still have a reward at the end. 

6. If you are going to have a meal that you think is going to be a challenge for your kids, make it the exception, not the rule. Always provide at least one item your child enjoys. For example: You are serving meatloaf - this is new for your picky eater, but it is what is being served. Your child loves Mac n Cheese. Make both and serve a tiny portion of both on the plate (and by tiny I mean 1 child sized bite of meatloaf and 2 bites of mac n cheese). If they finish both, then praises and more mac n cheese is given with no more words about eating more meatloaf unless they ask for it. This way they learn to trust you and won't be shamed or have to go hungry. If they refuse the meatloaf then no more food is given but they are not shamed. You are kind and sympathetic to their hunger and repeat that they may have more mac n cheese when they have tried their meatloaf. Maybe even offer to add ketchup or bbq sauce if they would like. 

7. Communicate with your child that you also have foods you like and some you don't prefer. This way they know it's normal to have preferences. Model trying new foods and involve them in the meal planning and preparation, if possible, so they develop confidence and trust. 

Good parents want to raise healthy kids that eat healthy food, but sometimes making food a battle can backfire and can cause later food issues that are unhealthy. Take it slow as you challenge your picky eater. Give lots of love and attention and hugs and affirmation for the foods they will eat and avoid shaming them into eating foods they don't like. You have lots of years (and meals) ahead of you so be patient with them. 

Parenting Series - Whining

Parenting Series 

I was on a parenting panel recently and felt the parents asked some really good questions. However, I felt that my answers were a little bit lacking in the depth department. So, I decided to re-answer - if you will - some of the questions in greater detail and maybe even a couple different questions if I can think of some. 

     I was going to add a little background info on myself, my family, what our parenting
     philosophy was and what it is now, why it changed, etc. Then I thought that sounded
     like too much to just add in so I created a different post for that specifically so if you
    are interested you can read it here.

Whining

First question I will elaborate on is the one that has nagged at me since I answered it. I won't get the exact question correct, because I don't remember how they phrased it, but essentially it was about whining and what can be done to get it to stop. 

     Here is what I remember saying in a nutshell...
     I don't hear whining. If a child whines, I say "I'm sorry I can't hear you, would you like
     to try that again?" 

Let me elaborate... 
     A child uses a whiny tone of voice for a reason. Ask yourself a question: When my child is using a whiny voice, am I looking to hear/understand/notice her? Or have I been too busy to connect with him? They may have been unable to get the attention/understanding they needed in the past and since the whiny voice grates on our nerves, they have learned it's the best way to get us to stop what we are doing and focus on them. Even if the attention is negative, it is still attention. 
    
     Some of you may be asking an important question at this point. 'Isn't obedience what my kids need to learn? I don't need to understand them to teach them to obey.' So let me ask you a question. 'Do you want to have a voice in your child's life as they move into the teen years and beyond?' Since I know the answer to that question is 'Yes' then remember that it is not about control, but about relationship (just as it is with our relationship with God). In a relationship we seek to understand each other. Yes, they need to learn to obey! But they need to learn to obey in an environment of relationship and connection. 
      
     A great way for a child to learn to change from a whiny voice to their God given child's voice (although not a quick way, since changing a learned behavior can take time) is to find a time to use pretend play and practice how to ask for something you need or get an adults attention. Children love puppets so this is often a fun way to do it. First you practice the whiny way (you an also practice the sassy way or the rude way during different play sessions) then you practice the polite way (I like to call this 'using your REAL voice').
Children love pretending and allowing them to hear both the whiny and polite tones of voice give them a chance to hear what they sound like in contrast. 

     Proactive teaching using play is an extremely effective tool in teaching children what they need to know about how to behave and what is expected of them. 

     When you have had the chance to practice with your child a couple of times and are confident they know what is expected, here is what you can say when their whiny voice creeps back in...simply, calmly, and at eye level say...
"sweetheart, I want to hear what you have to say to me, but I need you to try that again using your "REAL voice" Once they have done a re-do you can praise them for a job well done and then address the request at hand. If you have to say 'no' for whatever reason, try this approach, "I understand why you want to watch TV right now. That show is really fun to watch isn't it? We will find time later (or tomorrow) to watch that show, but now is not a good time." Letting the child know that you understand why they are making the request and validating their feelings allows them to feel you have adequately heard them. Remember, repetition is the key. The more they practice (re-do) and the more they feel heard/understood the less you will hear the whiny tone of voice being used.

-A special thank you to Summer Fletcher for her guidance and direction with this blog post. (http://www.lifesongcounselingcenter.com) 

Parenting Series - Our Family, Our Philosophy

Parenting Series

Our Family, Our Philosophy

We are a family of 6.  As of this year (2018) my husband and I have been married for 23 years and our children are 20,19, 16,14. 

Looking back I realize I thought I knew what I was doing. I was around children all the time growing up, I got my degree in education and even taught preschool before I had kids. I felt prepared. Our first two children were boys and they are 16m apart. Crazy? I didn't think so at the time, but well, maybe we were. Let's just say that the boys left me wondering just how prepared I was. Turns out following them around demanding obedience at all times wasn't as effective as I thought it would be. Shocker, I know! Well, let me re-phrase. It actually was pretty effective, in fact, many people would comment on how well behaved they were. 

Our parenting early on in a nutshell was this: I say it, you do it. Period. I call, you come. Period. This is obedience, right? 

See, I had read MANY books on parenting and some of them were helpful. But something was missing. I knew it, my husband knew it, but what was it?

We decided early on (probably had 3 kids by this time, 2 boys and 1 girl) to take a parenting class and the book they used was Shepherding a Child's Heart. We felt like this was the missing piece to our parenting. Looking at the child's heart and working towards restoration was a game changer for us. We now felt like we were on the right track. We were still no nonsense, but we had a better idea of what we thought the point/goal of discipline was. 

When a child goes against what you have said in whatever way, they have broken the relationship. They have broken trust. Our goal as parents is to bring them back into a right relationship. To look at the heart issue, correct, and forgive. 

 (There are probably other things in the book, but that is the main thing we learned)

Keep in mind that life is a journey and God doesn't always show you everything you need to know up front. We learned a great deal from that class and I don't regret it one bit, but we still had a lot to learn. 

--I need to take a little break here and tell you that we love our kids deeply. Our family loves to have fun. We love the beach, and traveling, and movies, and good food. We love camping and friends and visiting family in CA and CO. We are a loud, crazy family. I say this because in trying to share our parenting philosophy and style, some of the fun and good parts of our family might get overlooked. --

Fast forward thru many years (now 4 kids - 3 boys and 1 girl). We began to experience a parenting crisis. The no nonsense style of parenting that seemed to be working for so many years is no longer working (and an argument could be made that it didn't really work even then). What do we do? 

Without getting into the nitty gritty of what was going wrong, (more of an effort to protect our kids then not being willing to share them with you, but all kids have their struggles with each other, with peers, with life, with school,etc. You name it, there are kids who struggle with it)  I will share what we came to realize was another big piece that was missing in our parenting.

Compassion

In our world of no nonsense, we were missing the element of compassion, empathy, and understanding that parents need when training and correcting children. I don't mean to say we had none, but they were in shorter supply than I believe God wanted from us.

God has been working on us in this area the last several years. To recognize how God is compassionate and understanding with us and how seeking to hear/see/understand our children better allows them to trust us more and actually listen to what we have to say. We will never be perfect parents. There is no such thing. But we do want to continue to learn and seek to hear from God thru his Spirit. 

My hope is that if you do choose to read any of the other posts in the parenting series that you would ask God to show you what He wants you to learn in your parenting. 

Ps. 15:22  "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed."

Ps. 86:15 "But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."

 Current books I recommend are: 

Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel 

The Whole -Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post

For those who foster or who have adopted children I recommend:

The Connected Child by Wendy Lyons Sunshine and David R. Cross