Parenting Series - Whining

Parenting Series 

I was on a parenting panel recently and felt the parents asked some really good questions. However, I felt that my answers were a little bit lacking in the depth department. So, I decided to re-answer - if you will - some of the questions in greater detail and maybe even a couple different questions if I can think of some. 

     I was going to add a little background info on myself, my family, what our parenting
     philosophy was and what it is now, why it changed, etc. Then I thought that sounded
     like too much to just add in so I created a different post for that specifically so if you
    are interested you can read it here.

Whining

First question I will elaborate on is the one that has nagged at me since I answered it. I won't get the exact question correct, because I don't remember how they phrased it, but essentially it was about whining and what can be done to get it to stop. 

     Here is what I remember saying in a nutshell...
     I don't hear whining. If a child whines, I say "I'm sorry I can't hear you, would you like
     to try that again?" 

Let me elaborate... 
     A child uses a whiny tone of voice for a reason. Ask yourself a question: When my child is using a whiny voice, am I looking to hear/understand/notice her? Or have I been too busy to connect with him? They may have been unable to get the attention/understanding they needed in the past and since the whiny voice grates on our nerves, they have learned it's the best way to get us to stop what we are doing and focus on them. Even if the attention is negative, it is still attention. 
    
     Some of you may be asking an important question at this point. 'Isn't obedience what my kids need to learn? I don't need to understand them to teach them to obey.' So let me ask you a question. 'Do you want to have a voice in your child's life as they move into the teen years and beyond?' Since I know the answer to that question is 'Yes' then remember that it is not about control, but about relationship (just as it is with our relationship with God). In a relationship we seek to understand each other. Yes, they need to learn to obey! But they need to learn to obey in an environment of relationship and connection. 
      
     A great way for a child to learn to change from a whiny voice to their God given child's voice (although not a quick way, since changing a learned behavior can take time) is to find a time to use pretend play and practice how to ask for something you need or get an adults attention. Children love puppets so this is often a fun way to do it. First you practice the whiny way (you an also practice the sassy way or the rude way during different play sessions) then you practice the polite way (I like to call this 'using your REAL voice').
Children love pretending and allowing them to hear both the whiny and polite tones of voice give them a chance to hear what they sound like in contrast. 

     Proactive teaching using play is an extremely effective tool in teaching children what they need to know about how to behave and what is expected of them. 

     When you have had the chance to practice with your child a couple of times and are confident they know what is expected, here is what you can say when their whiny voice creeps back in...simply, calmly, and at eye level say...
"sweetheart, I want to hear what you have to say to me, but I need you to try that again using your "REAL voice" Once they have done a re-do you can praise them for a job well done and then address the request at hand. If you have to say 'no' for whatever reason, try this approach, "I understand why you want to watch TV right now. That show is really fun to watch isn't it? We will find time later (or tomorrow) to watch that show, but now is not a good time." Letting the child know that you understand why they are making the request and validating their feelings allows them to feel you have adequately heard them. Remember, repetition is the key. The more they practice (re-do) and the more they feel heard/understood the less you will hear the whiny tone of voice being used.

-A special thank you to Summer Fletcher for her guidance and direction with this blog post. (http://www.lifesongcounselingcenter.com)