Parenting Series - Needs

Parenting Series

     We all have an idea of what the ideal child looks like. Quiet, compliant, attentive, intelligent, compassionate, obedient - need I go on? All of our children lived up to this ideal...and then they were born. They may have even made it to age 1 or even 2 years old. Then reality took hold and they learned they had a voice and a will and thus begins the true test of our parenting skills. We realize how ill-prepared we are. He/She is messy, loud, rambunctious, dirty, disobedient, honest and not in a good way, slow to learn, slow to listen, and very quick to be angry. There are tears and fits, and meltdowns and as parents, we are exhausted and frustrated and wondering when our next full night of sleep will be.

Needs 

     Our children have needs and we have expectations. How do we know what is age appropriate and that our expectations are reasonable? So let’s say the obvious up front. All children are created equal in regards to their value and preciousness, but they are not created equal in physical, emotional, or intellectual capabilities. God created each one of them differently and we need to take those differences into account when parenting them. For example, a child that is quiet and naturally compliant might like to read but may struggle with chaos and making friends while another child might be loud and messy, but friends come easily. Another child might be strong-willed and push every boundary and test every rule, but has no need to follow the trends and whims of what other kids are into, while another might follows the rules and is easy going, but struggles with wanting to belong even if that means doing or saying things to fit in. Each child has their strengths and struggles. We as parents need to encourage them in their strengths and challenge them appropriately in their struggles.
     From the examples above - The strong-willed child might need opportunities at home to lead so that he/she can learn to lead with humility and love, and lots of praise for being willing to be his own person and not be swept up in every fad or fashion. The naturally compliant child should be praised for being obedient and challenged in the area of making friends at a level appropriate for his/her age and capacity.
     A part of making your child feel loved, seen, heard, and understood is to actually take the time to love them, make eye contact and smile, listen to them, and understand them as a person. Also taking the time to step back a bit and ask “Am I trying to make my child in my own image or am I allowing them the freedom to be who they were created to be?” One of the ways we can answer this question is to talk with other people who know your child well. Grandparents, child care workers, teachers, coaches and ask them what strengths and struggles they see. They may see a trait that you don’t often see at home so you can either encourage that trait or begin to proactively train your child to handle situations more appropriately.
     Proactive training is a powerful tool in a parent's toolbox and yet underutilized. When you start a new job they usually schedule in a portion of time for training. This a time set aside to show you what and how to do your new job. It costs time, and money to put people thru job training, but the long term benefits are easily seen. So why wouldn’t we take this idea into our parenting?
     When my two oldest boys were very young and we still had a landline phone they wanted to answer the phone when it rang. One day my son picked up the phone to answer a call and he said ‘What?’, no hello, no hi, just ‘What?’. I knew then and there we needed to have some practice in answering the phone. The three of us sat down on the floor and played telephone. We pretended to call each other and I told them how to answer the phone and then they took turns calling and answering the phone. It was fun and funny and we laughed and by the end of it, they had a pretty good handle on what they were supposed to do. It didn’t even take 10 minutes. Other training moments may need more time and lots more practice. Teaching my children to turn off the light when they leave a room took much longer and even now, some of my children are better at it than others. Whenever possible, make it fun. Family Game Night is a wonderful way to have family time, teach new skills or work on character traits, including how to navigate strong feelings, but don’t forget to have a lot of fun together as well. This is a time to put away your phones, turn off the tv and give your undivided attention. It can be as long as you want or as short as it needs to be, but remember, kids learn better when they are having fun so be intentional about it.
     Other ideas may include - Make something fun for dinner or make a fun dessert. If the kids are old enough, ask - What was your favorite part of today/week? What was hard about today/week? You can also plan a training moment where you work on how to respond to a difficult situation. Maybe for a toddler, it is saying “yes, mommy” when it’s time to clean up or “thank you” to another adult. Maybe for an older child, it is practicing asking for help with homework in a kind voice rather than a demanding voice, or practice handling social situations.
     These are just a couple of ideas. You don’t have to do them all at once. Try to make it a regular event, but maybe for your family that is once a week or maybe once a month. You will be closer as a family, you will learn new things about your child/children and they will be getting valuable time with you as well.
     I know some of you are busy. If coming up with ideas is overwhelming you can, click HERE for game ideas. For practicing skills or behaviors, you can use puppets (or action figures or stuffed animals) with small children and for older children just a short honest conversation about what you are seeing and practicing what it would look like to do it correctly. Another helpful technique to encourage cooperation is to share something you struggle with and then practice a better response. This will keep your child from feeling shame about their struggles. Keep grace at the forefront of your interactions.

     So what do your kids NEED? They need YOU! They need you to be present, to listen, to know them, and to understand what they are capable of. To have compassion and forgiveness when they mess up, as well as apologizing to them when you mess up, and to rejoice with them when they do it right.


-as with my other posts, thanks to Summer Fletcher for helping me as a content editor

Current books I recommend are:
Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel
The Whole -Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post
For those who foster or who have adopted children I recommend:
The Connected Child by Wendy Lyons Sunshine and David R. Cross