Parenting Series
Children melt down for a variety of reasons and some of them don't seem like a good reason to get upset. For instance, said child might have a meltdown because you cut their sandwich in half and they wanted triangles. Or you gave the child a blue cup and they wanted the purple one. What does it matter? The sandwich tastes the same either way and the cup's color shouldn't matter. It's maddening and when you are on your 5th meltdown of the day, it's no wonder there are so many meme's about needing a glass of wine at 2 pm in the afternoon. There has to be a better way, right?
Tantrums
Depending on your style of parenting, your reaction to a tantrum might be one of the following:1.Engage in a battle of wills - taking it personally and/or trying to rationalize with the child by talking over them or 'yelling' at the them to calm down or stop making such a fuss. Shaming, or convincing, or bribing them into obedience.
2. "Talk to the hand" - displays of emotion are too hard to handle so you send the child to his/her room to calm down.
3. Ignore it - people in the education world call it 'putting it on extinction'. In essence, if you don't acknowledge it they will stop doing it.
Yes! There is a better way and you've probably had days when you did a better job so you just need to be reminded that they are in process, you are in process. There will be bad days, and there will be good days; tomorrow is a new day to start again.
1. Don't take it personally. They have their own feelings and desires and are not a reflection of you on the whole. It may, however, be a reflection of you in that moment as some kids have an uncanny ability to sense our emotions and reflect them back to us. For instance - you running late feeling hurried and anxious could be a reason why your child is irritable as well. Nice combo, am I right!?!
2. Before you act, ask yourself a couple of questions.
a. Is is close to nap time? (before or after)
b. Are they exhausted from physical or mental exertion, or in need of physical or mental exercise? Kids need to have a healthy balance of both. Alternating throughout the day.
c. Are they hungry? Ideally kids should eat healthy foods/snacks every 2 hours throughout the day.
d. Are they in need of your attention? Sometime we feel because we around we are paying attention to our kids when, in fact, we have just given them our presence and they are in need our our undivided attention whether it be reading to them, or playing a game with them or just being silly dancing to a favorite song.
e. Where is my child developmentally? Small children no matter how bright they are have brain that are not fully developed. In fact, higher brain functionality isn’t fully developed until the mid to late 20s. I encourage everyone to think of your child’s meltdowns as an opportunity for more training first. (The science and more great info can be found in this book, HERE.)
When you need to act, and you will. Act with compassion (eye level and holding your child's hands if possible). Not fake 'Oh I am so sorry you have to eat a delicious sandwich cut into rectangles when other kids don't have any food at all, boo hoo for you' I am talking about true compassion that says 'Oh sandwich triangles are fun aren't they? You want me to show you how you can make triangles out of your two halves? No? I'm sorry your sad. Would you like me to ask you how you want your sandwich next time? Okay, next time maybe you can help me make your sandwich so we get it right.'
This is not a foolproof formula for a 'no tantrum day'. There is however a way of being with your child that says I care about you enough to help you learn the lessons you need to learn in a way that demonstrates love and compassion. Jesus modeled love and compassion everyday and we would do well to pass along his example to our children.
Definition of compassion
: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it
Does your heart and your words reflect this when communicating to your children? Notice in the example above, I didn't offer to remake the sandwich. Why? That would alleviate the child's distress, right? Maybe. However, it doesn’t solve the greater issue at hand; which in a long view of things is the need for your child to understand that a tantrum is not the way to get their needs met appropriately. We as parents are tasked with helping our children learn how to get their needs met and learn how to deal with disappointment appropriately. In order for them to learn these things, they need to know that their voice (needs and desires) matters and that they can trust us to meet their needs. A child who trust's their parent is a child that is more likely to obey even when it gets hard. Building that level of trust takes time. They don't have this level of trust at 2 years old or at 4 years old. They need you to demonstrate over and over again that you care, that their voice matters, that when at all possible you will do what you can to meet their needs, that their emotions aren't too big for you to handle, that you will rejoice with them when they get it right, but won't shame them when they mess it up, and above all, you will ask for forgiveness when you get it wrong...and you will.
After a tantrum is over and your child is back to a calm and more contented state is the best time to address the behavior and talk about a better way to handle it. This may be after a nap or after hugs and a snack. You might start by asking a few questions like:
Remember when you cried about the blue cup? Screaming at mommy and throwing in on the floor wasn't a good way to handle it. What do you think you could do next time? or What is a better way to handle it? If they can think of a better way, then say 'Let's practice.' If they can't think of a better way, make it a fun game of which response is respectful and which is disrespectful. Demonstrate both and let them tell you which is which, then let them practice both ways; making sure to cheer them on when they do it right. This makes it a teachable moment rather than an long drawn out battle.
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