Parenting Series - Needs

Parenting Series

     We all have an idea of what the ideal child looks like. Quiet, compliant, attentive, intelligent, compassionate, obedient - need I go on? All of our children lived up to this ideal...and then they were born. They may have even made it to age 1 or even 2 years old. Then reality took hold and they learned they had a voice and a will and thus begins the true test of our parenting skills. We realize how ill-prepared we are. He/She is messy, loud, rambunctious, dirty, disobedient, honest and not in a good way, slow to learn, slow to listen, and very quick to be angry. There are tears and fits, and meltdowns and as parents, we are exhausted and frustrated and wondering when our next full night of sleep will be.

Needs 

     Our children have needs and we have expectations. How do we know what is age appropriate and that our expectations are reasonable? So let’s say the obvious up front. All children are created equal in regards to their value and preciousness, but they are not created equal in physical, emotional, or intellectual capabilities. God created each one of them differently and we need to take those differences into account when parenting them. For example, a child that is quiet and naturally compliant might like to read but may struggle with chaos and making friends while another child might be loud and messy, but friends come easily. Another child might be strong-willed and push every boundary and test every rule, but has no need to follow the trends and whims of what other kids are into, while another might follows the rules and is easy going, but struggles with wanting to belong even if that means doing or saying things to fit in. Each child has their strengths and struggles. We as parents need to encourage them in their strengths and challenge them appropriately in their struggles.
     From the examples above - The strong-willed child might need opportunities at home to lead so that he/she can learn to lead with humility and love, and lots of praise for being willing to be his own person and not be swept up in every fad or fashion. The naturally compliant child should be praised for being obedient and challenged in the area of making friends at a level appropriate for his/her age and capacity.
     A part of making your child feel loved, seen, heard, and understood is to actually take the time to love them, make eye contact and smile, listen to them, and understand them as a person. Also taking the time to step back a bit and ask “Am I trying to make my child in my own image or am I allowing them the freedom to be who they were created to be?” One of the ways we can answer this question is to talk with other people who know your child well. Grandparents, child care workers, teachers, coaches and ask them what strengths and struggles they see. They may see a trait that you don’t often see at home so you can either encourage that trait or begin to proactively train your child to handle situations more appropriately.
     Proactive training is a powerful tool in a parent's toolbox and yet underutilized. When you start a new job they usually schedule in a portion of time for training. This a time set aside to show you what and how to do your new job. It costs time, and money to put people thru job training, but the long term benefits are easily seen. So why wouldn’t we take this idea into our parenting?
     When my two oldest boys were very young and we still had a landline phone they wanted to answer the phone when it rang. One day my son picked up the phone to answer a call and he said ‘What?’, no hello, no hi, just ‘What?’. I knew then and there we needed to have some practice in answering the phone. The three of us sat down on the floor and played telephone. We pretended to call each other and I told them how to answer the phone and then they took turns calling and answering the phone. It was fun and funny and we laughed and by the end of it, they had a pretty good handle on what they were supposed to do. It didn’t even take 10 minutes. Other training moments may need more time and lots more practice. Teaching my children to turn off the light when they leave a room took much longer and even now, some of my children are better at it than others. Whenever possible, make it fun. Family Game Night is a wonderful way to have family time, teach new skills or work on character traits, including how to navigate strong feelings, but don’t forget to have a lot of fun together as well. This is a time to put away your phones, turn off the tv and give your undivided attention. It can be as long as you want or as short as it needs to be, but remember, kids learn better when they are having fun so be intentional about it.
     Other ideas may include - Make something fun for dinner or make a fun dessert. If the kids are old enough, ask - What was your favorite part of today/week? What was hard about today/week? You can also plan a training moment where you work on how to respond to a difficult situation. Maybe for a toddler, it is saying “yes, mommy” when it’s time to clean up or “thank you” to another adult. Maybe for an older child, it is practicing asking for help with homework in a kind voice rather than a demanding voice, or practice handling social situations.
     These are just a couple of ideas. You don’t have to do them all at once. Try to make it a regular event, but maybe for your family that is once a week or maybe once a month. You will be closer as a family, you will learn new things about your child/children and they will be getting valuable time with you as well.
     I know some of you are busy. If coming up with ideas is overwhelming you can, click HERE for game ideas. For practicing skills or behaviors, you can use puppets (or action figures or stuffed animals) with small children and for older children just a short honest conversation about what you are seeing and practicing what it would look like to do it correctly. Another helpful technique to encourage cooperation is to share something you struggle with and then practice a better response. This will keep your child from feeling shame about their struggles. Keep grace at the forefront of your interactions.

     So what do your kids NEED? They need YOU! They need you to be present, to listen, to know them, and to understand what they are capable of. To have compassion and forgiveness when they mess up, as well as apologizing to them when you mess up, and to rejoice with them when they do it right.


-as with my other posts, thanks to Summer Fletcher for helping me as a content editor

Current books I recommend are:
Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel
The Whole -Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post
For those who foster or who have adopted children I recommend:
The Connected Child by Wendy Lyons Sunshine and David R. Cross

Parenting Series - Tantrums

Parenting Series

 Children melt down for a variety of reasons and some of them don't seem like a good reason to get upset. For instance, said child might have a meltdown because you cut their sandwich in half and they wanted triangles. Or you gave the child a blue cup and they wanted the purple one. What does it matter? The sandwich tastes the same either way and the cup's color shouldn't matter. It's maddening and when you are on your 5th meltdown of the day, it's no wonder there are so many meme's about needing a glass of wine at 2 pm in the afternoon. There has to be a better way, right?

Tantrums

Depending on your style of parenting, your reaction to a tantrum might be one of the following:
1.Engage in a battle of wills - taking it personally and/or trying to rationalize with the child by talking over them or 'yelling' at the them to calm down or stop making such a fuss. Shaming, or convincing, or bribing them into obedience. 
2. "Talk to the hand" - displays of emotion are too hard to handle so you send the child to his/her room to calm down.
3. Ignore it - people in the education world call it 'putting it on extinction'. In essence, if you don't acknowledge it they will stop doing it. 

Yes! There is a better way and you've probably had days when you did a better job so you just need to be reminded that they are in process, you are in process. There will be bad days, and there will be good days; tomorrow is a new day to start again. 

1. Don't take it personally. They have their own feelings and desires and are not a reflection of you on the whole. It may, however, be a reflection of you in that moment as some kids have an uncanny ability to sense our emotions and reflect them back to us. For instance - you running late feeling hurried and anxious could be a reason why your child is irritable as well. Nice combo, am I right!?!
2. Before you act, ask yourself a couple of questions.
     a. Is is close to nap time? (before or after)
     b. Are they exhausted from physical or mental exertion, or in need of physical or mental exercise? Kids need to have a healthy balance of both. Alternating throughout the day.
     c. Are they hungry? Ideally kids should eat healthy foods/snacks every 2 hours throughout the day.
     d. Are they in need of your attention? Sometime we feel because we around we are paying attention to our kids when, in fact, we have just given them our presence and they are in need our our undivided attention whether it be reading to them, or playing a game with them or just being silly dancing to a favorite song. 
    e. Where is my child developmentally? Small children no matter how bright they are have brain that are not fully developed. In fact, higher brain functionality isn’t fully developed until the mid to late 20s. I encourage everyone to think of your child’s meltdowns as an opportunity for more training first. (The science and more great info can be found in this book, HERE.)

When you need to act, and you will. Act with compassion (eye level and holding your child's hands if possible). Not fake 'Oh I am so sorry you have to eat a delicious sandwich cut into rectangles when other kids don't have any food at all, boo hoo for you'  I am talking about true compassion that says 'Oh sandwich triangles are fun aren't they? You want me to show you how you can make triangles out of your two halves? No? I'm sorry your sad. Would you like me to ask you how you want your sandwich next time? Okay, next time maybe you can help me make your sandwich so we get it right.' 

This is not a foolproof formula for a 'no tantrum day'. There is however a way of being with your child that says I care about you enough to help you learn the lessons you need to learn in a way that demonstrates love and compassion. Jesus modeled love and compassion everyday and we would do well to pass along his example to our children.

 Definition of compassion
: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

Does your heart and your words reflect this when communicating to your children? Notice in the example above, I didn't offer to remake the sandwich. Why? That would alleviate the child's distress, right? Maybe. However, it doesn’t solve the greater issue at hand; which in a long view of things is the need for your child to understand that a tantrum is not the way to get their needs met appropriately. We as parents are tasked with helping our children learn how to get their needs met and learn how to deal with disappointment appropriately. In order for them to learn these things, they need to know that their voice (needs and desires) matters and that they can trust us to meet their needs. A child who trust's their parent is a child that is more likely to obey even when it gets hard. Building that level of trust takes time. They don't have this level of trust at 2 years old or at 4 years old. They need you to demonstrate over and over again that you care, that their voice matters, that when at all possible you will do what you can to meet their needs, that their emotions aren't too big for you to handle, that you will rejoice with them when they get it right, but won't shame them when they mess it up, and above all, you will ask for forgiveness when you get it wrong...and you will. 

After a tantrum is over and your child is back to a calm and more contented state is the best time to address the behavior and talk about a better way to handle it. This may be after a nap or after hugs and a snack. You might start by asking a few questions like:
Remember when you cried about the blue cup? Screaming at mommy and throwing in on the floor wasn't a good way to handle it. What do you think you could do next time? or What is a better way to handle it? If they can think of a better way, then say 'Let's practice.' If they can't think of a better way, make it a fun game of which response is respectful and which is disrespectful. Demonstrate both and let them tell you which is which, then let them practice both ways; making sure to cheer them on when they do it right. This makes it a teachable moment rather than an long drawn out battle.

Parenting Series - Picky Eater

Parenting Series

I often hear parents asking about how to get their kids to eat healthy foods or how to get them to try different kinds of food. Well, the simple answer is 'You Can't'. Kids will or will not like certain foods and there is not much you can do about it, especially if that child is particularly strong willed. However, that is not particularly helpful so here are some things to consider when you encounter this issue. 

Picky Eater

First question to answer is whether or not this is the battle you really want to fight or are there other more important character issues that need your attention and energy? If however, you are not dealing with a whole host of other parenting challenges in this season with your child, then proceed with care. Remember, good parenting builds trust and connection so when all else fails, look your child in the eye and remind them that you are for them and they are loved.
1. Lots of children can be picky eaters but particularly kids who have some form of trauma in their background. (not enough food in the womb, severe allergies, abuse, neglect, etc.) If you are caring for a child who has had trauma, I would advise training and support from those who know how to support you. In AZ you can go HERE for such training and support.

2. Take time to consider how many more foods you like as an adult and know that over time your children will naturally start to enjoy more foods so just because they don't like asparagus as a 2 year old, doesn't mean they never will. Maybe they never will, but there are plenty of other healthy options they may enjoy and there is time to develop a taste for other foods.

3. Don't fight this battle when out to eat, at a friend's house, or at a party. Out in public your child may already be in a position of uncertainty and more likely to feel shame or embarrassment over this than feelings of confidence and trust. 

4. Start small. If you want your child to try peas for the first time, start with one or two peas on their plate along with another food that they do like. Knowing and seeing how small the task at hand is might feel more doable than telling them they only have to take one bite of a huge mound. They may resist at first due to how things have gone in the past but ask them to try and then say no more. Some kids will resist even more if you try to push. (I know first hand, just ask my mom - maybe not specifically about food, but you get the idea) When they manage to try it, heap on the praise. Don't give them more unless they ask. Remember, you can give them 3-4 next time around. You have plenty of time.

5. Many parents tell their kids that if they eat their veggies they will get dessert (Maybe not every night, but a fun option on nights when you know it would be hard to try something new). However, tie it proportionally to how much of it they eat. So one bite equals one bite of dessert. If they finished it, then they receive the full portion. This way they are more likely to at least give it a go and still have a reward at the end. 

6. If you are going to have a meal that you think is going to be a challenge for your kids, make it the exception, not the rule. Always provide at least one item your child enjoys. For example: You are serving meatloaf - this is new for your picky eater, but it is what is being served. Your child loves Mac n Cheese. Make both and serve a tiny portion of both on the plate (and by tiny I mean 1 child sized bite of meatloaf and 2 bites of mac n cheese). If they finish both, then praises and more mac n cheese is given with no more words about eating more meatloaf unless they ask for it. This way they learn to trust you and won't be shamed or have to go hungry. If they refuse the meatloaf then no more food is given but they are not shamed. You are kind and sympathetic to their hunger and repeat that they may have more mac n cheese when they have tried their meatloaf. Maybe even offer to add ketchup or bbq sauce if they would like. 

7. Communicate with your child that you also have foods you like and some you don't prefer. This way they know it's normal to have preferences. Model trying new foods and involve them in the meal planning and preparation, if possible, so they develop confidence and trust. 

Good parents want to raise healthy kids that eat healthy food, but sometimes making food a battle can backfire and can cause later food issues that are unhealthy. Take it slow as you challenge your picky eater. Give lots of love and attention and hugs and affirmation for the foods they will eat and avoid shaming them into eating foods they don't like. You have lots of years (and meals) ahead of you so be patient with them. 

Parenting Series - Whining

Parenting Series 

I was on a parenting panel recently and felt the parents asked some really good questions. However, I felt that my answers were a little bit lacking in the depth department. So, I decided to re-answer - if you will - some of the questions in greater detail and maybe even a couple different questions if I can think of some. 

     I was going to add a little background info on myself, my family, what our parenting
     philosophy was and what it is now, why it changed, etc. Then I thought that sounded
     like too much to just add in so I created a different post for that specifically so if you
    are interested you can read it here.

Whining

First question I will elaborate on is the one that has nagged at me since I answered it. I won't get the exact question correct, because I don't remember how they phrased it, but essentially it was about whining and what can be done to get it to stop. 

     Here is what I remember saying in a nutshell...
     I don't hear whining. If a child whines, I say "I'm sorry I can't hear you, would you like
     to try that again?" 

Let me elaborate... 
     A child uses a whiny tone of voice for a reason. Ask yourself a question: When my child is using a whiny voice, am I looking to hear/understand/notice her? Or have I been too busy to connect with him? They may have been unable to get the attention/understanding they needed in the past and since the whiny voice grates on our nerves, they have learned it's the best way to get us to stop what we are doing and focus on them. Even if the attention is negative, it is still attention. 
    
     Some of you may be asking an important question at this point. 'Isn't obedience what my kids need to learn? I don't need to understand them to teach them to obey.' So let me ask you a question. 'Do you want to have a voice in your child's life as they move into the teen years and beyond?' Since I know the answer to that question is 'Yes' then remember that it is not about control, but about relationship (just as it is with our relationship with God). In a relationship we seek to understand each other. Yes, they need to learn to obey! But they need to learn to obey in an environment of relationship and connection. 
      
     A great way for a child to learn to change from a whiny voice to their God given child's voice (although not a quick way, since changing a learned behavior can take time) is to find a time to use pretend play and practice how to ask for something you need or get an adults attention. Children love puppets so this is often a fun way to do it. First you practice the whiny way (you an also practice the sassy way or the rude way during different play sessions) then you practice the polite way (I like to call this 'using your REAL voice').
Children love pretending and allowing them to hear both the whiny and polite tones of voice give them a chance to hear what they sound like in contrast. 

     Proactive teaching using play is an extremely effective tool in teaching children what they need to know about how to behave and what is expected of them. 

     When you have had the chance to practice with your child a couple of times and are confident they know what is expected, here is what you can say when their whiny voice creeps back in...simply, calmly, and at eye level say...
"sweetheart, I want to hear what you have to say to me, but I need you to try that again using your "REAL voice" Once they have done a re-do you can praise them for a job well done and then address the request at hand. If you have to say 'no' for whatever reason, try this approach, "I understand why you want to watch TV right now. That show is really fun to watch isn't it? We will find time later (or tomorrow) to watch that show, but now is not a good time." Letting the child know that you understand why they are making the request and validating their feelings allows them to feel you have adequately heard them. Remember, repetition is the key. The more they practice (re-do) and the more they feel heard/understood the less you will hear the whiny tone of voice being used.

-A special thank you to Summer Fletcher for her guidance and direction with this blog post. (http://www.lifesongcounselingcenter.com) 

Parenting Series - Our Family, Our Philosophy

Parenting Series

Our Family, Our Philosophy

We are a family of 6.  As of this year (2018) my husband and I have been married for 23 years and our children are 20,19, 16,14. 

Looking back I realize I thought I knew what I was doing. I was around children all the time growing up, I got my degree in education and even taught preschool before I had kids. I felt prepared. Our first two children were boys and they are 16m apart. Crazy? I didn't think so at the time, but well, maybe we were. Let's just say that the boys left me wondering just how prepared I was. Turns out following them around demanding obedience at all times wasn't as effective as I thought it would be. Shocker, I know! Well, let me re-phrase. It actually was pretty effective, in fact, many people would comment on how well behaved they were. 

Our parenting early on in a nutshell was this: I say it, you do it. Period. I call, you come. Period. This is obedience, right? 

See, I had read MANY books on parenting and some of them were helpful. But something was missing. I knew it, my husband knew it, but what was it?

We decided early on (probably had 3 kids by this time, 2 boys and 1 girl) to take a parenting class and the book they used was Shepherding a Child's Heart. We felt like this was the missing piece to our parenting. Looking at the child's heart and working towards restoration was a game changer for us. We now felt like we were on the right track. We were still no nonsense, but we had a better idea of what we thought the point/goal of discipline was. 

When a child goes against what you have said in whatever way, they have broken the relationship. They have broken trust. Our goal as parents is to bring them back into a right relationship. To look at the heart issue, correct, and forgive. 

 (There are probably other things in the book, but that is the main thing we learned)

Keep in mind that life is a journey and God doesn't always show you everything you need to know up front. We learned a great deal from that class and I don't regret it one bit, but we still had a lot to learn. 

--I need to take a little break here and tell you that we love our kids deeply. Our family loves to have fun. We love the beach, and traveling, and movies, and good food. We love camping and friends and visiting family in CA and CO. We are a loud, crazy family. I say this because in trying to share our parenting philosophy and style, some of the fun and good parts of our family might get overlooked. --

Fast forward thru many years (now 4 kids - 3 boys and 1 girl). We began to experience a parenting crisis. The no nonsense style of parenting that seemed to be working for so many years is no longer working (and an argument could be made that it didn't really work even then). What do we do? 

Without getting into the nitty gritty of what was going wrong, (more of an effort to protect our kids then not being willing to share them with you, but all kids have their struggles with each other, with peers, with life, with school,etc. You name it, there are kids who struggle with it)  I will share what we came to realize was another big piece that was missing in our parenting.

Compassion

In our world of no nonsense, we were missing the element of compassion, empathy, and understanding that parents need when training and correcting children. I don't mean to say we had none, but they were in shorter supply than I believe God wanted from us.

God has been working on us in this area the last several years. To recognize how God is compassionate and understanding with us and how seeking to hear/see/understand our children better allows them to trust us more and actually listen to what we have to say. We will never be perfect parents. There is no such thing. But we do want to continue to learn and seek to hear from God thru his Spirit. 

My hope is that if you do choose to read any of the other posts in the parenting series that you would ask God to show you what He wants you to learn in your parenting. 

Ps. 15:22  "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed."

Ps. 86:15 "But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."

 Current books I recommend are: 

Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel 

The Whole -Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post

For those who foster or who have adopted children I recommend:

The Connected Child by Wendy Lyons Sunshine and David R. Cross

SUMMER VACATION AND BOREDOM

I started this years ago when my kids younger. Probably because my mom did something similar when I was young. Summers in AZ are hot, really really hot and you can't just tell you kids 'go play outside'. This worked for us for many years and maybe this (or a version of this) would work for you as well. 😀 

Summer - “to do”

Must DO every day: (attitude can affect the ability to earn privileges)

30 min exercise 

1 hour of reading 

Clean a drawer/cupboard 

Math worksheet or game
 - This will earn 1.5 hrs of TV (Just long enough for a kid movie)

Extra jobs for TV privileges

1.     Clean out the Frig. = 30 min.

2.     Book report (1/2 page) = 1 hr.

3.     Write a letter to a family member (at least 10 sentences, well thought out and neatly written) = 30 min

4.     Play a board game (min of 30 min.) = 30 min.

5.     Construct something out of Legos; (must be something you can explain and be bigger than a cereal box) = 30 min.

6.     Create a piece of artwork that is “finished” (must be at least a 5X7; must have a rough draft; must have some thought and reason behind it) = 30 min.

7.     Create a video (fun or educational) at least 3 min. long, edited and shown = 30 min.

8.     Plan and cook Dinner = 1 hr. of computer privileges (on the following day)

9.     Try a new dessert recipe (only if no other sweet treats are available) = 30 min 

1.  Service project for a family member = Approved by mom

*TV means anything electronic – TV, Computer, Kindle/Ipad, Phone etc.

NOTE: There is a limit to TV privileges each day – 3 hrs.

This does not include anything we may do as a family in the evening. This is specifically for daytime purposes only. 

It was really fun to see how creative the kids got with some of the projects they thought of. We still love to rewatch videos the kids made back then and the artwork and fun cooking projects inevitably became an end in and of themselves without the need for added privileges.

With multiple kids, there can be some difficulty if some want to watch a movie or program that others don't want to use their time for. You will need to come up with a solution that works for your family. We happen to have 2 TVs the kids can use and beyond that, they can either join in or wait their turn. Most often, there were some kids that finished faster and were ready and the others just waited their turn. On days when we went to the pool or other big activity, this was put aside. This just gave our days a little more purpose and curbed the feelings of 'cabin fever'. 
If you have ideas you would like to share that worked really well for your family, please share in the comments.